Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
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Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
How dude HOW?!
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?