The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
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“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Did…did a minotaur write this
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
stand with me against insufficient seating
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”