I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
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I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.