My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
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Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.