Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
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Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
🤣dope
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Don’t make me out nice you.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????