Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
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I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
I like my jims slim and my chances fat