Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
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I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”