I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
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We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
It has been 3 years since Monday.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
The absolute effort that went into this omg
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.