*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
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50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”