Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
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I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Need WebMD
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.