The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
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My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.