You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
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Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
My typo game is string.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck