Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
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Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm