[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
You Might Also Like
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*