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Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.