If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
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I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*