Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
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Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Perfect.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️