Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
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My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
No regrets in 2018
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good