The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
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Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
#SuperBowl
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
We’ve all been there
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA