Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
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“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!