If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
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(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.