superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
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When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Friday
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
#Caturday
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”