If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
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nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
#ParentingFacts
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
first you must answer his riddles
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.