I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
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Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.