agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
You Might Also Like
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
HELP 😭
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
how long have you had this for?