Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
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Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute