Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
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Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again