ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
You Might Also Like
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.