adam and eve had first world problems
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[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.