Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
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You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Just this preview of the story is enough
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
inside you are two wolves
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out