INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
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My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..