[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
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Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
they really do be looking like this
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
i think both sides are to blame here
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle