Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
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I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
termite twitter scares me
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?