another case of gang violins
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I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Phones down.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
time machine? you mean a clock?
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17