Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
You Might Also Like
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one