Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
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Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.