GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
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It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?