WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
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If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
The glory of fall.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency