I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
You Might Also Like
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law