[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
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Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
God, I love Scotland
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.