*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
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If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Warm pools make me nervous.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”