I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
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wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
#FunnyLife Insects
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
my mom making me talk to relatives
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.