It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
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Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Morning.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.