ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
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Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Labreador
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.