STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
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China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅