JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
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If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes