CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
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10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from