*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
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orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot