penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
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When someone says you are so lazy
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Said the murderer.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.