What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
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The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I bet
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.